Beatriz Cazurro, a child psychologist, commented on forcing children to give kisses and hugs: “Then they grow up and dare to say no”
Validating children’s emotions when they begin to socialize helps them set their own boundaries as adults.
Teaching children that they can say “no” is one of the most important lessons we can give them for their adult lives. From a very young age, many children are pressured to give kisses or hugs even when they feel uncomfortable, under the idea that it is a sign of good manners or affection.
However, when a child learns that they must ignore their discomfort to please others, they internalize the message that their emotions and their body do not fully belong to them. For this reason, validating a child’s right to refuse, especially in situations involving physical contact, teaches them that their body deserves respect and that their feelings matter.
As child psychologist Beatriz Cazurro explains in an interview, “When they are very little and you go to the grandmother’s house, an aunt’s, whoever it may be, and someone goes to give them a kiss and grabs them, you can see on their face that they are thinking, ‘I didn’t want this.’”
According to this expert, it is important to use that moment to validate their emotions by naming them and opening a space for dialogue with questions such as, “Did you want that hug?”
She also suggests that while children are still young, adults should be the ones to set boundaries with other adults on their behalf by explaining that the child does not want that contact, until the child is able to handle these situations on their own. “Sometimes they think, ‘I know I don’t want the hug, but it makes Grandma happy, so I’ll give it to her and move on.’”
For the psychologist, when emotions are validated by asking whether they wanted that gesture or whether they liked it, the child internalizes that they are allowed to set boundaries. “Later, as adults, they dare to say no because they have permission, and the burden of saying no as if it were something terrible has been lifted.”
Challenges in adulthood
Allowing children to express that they do not want a kiss or a hug does not mean raising them without limits or making them inconsiderate. Quite the opposite.
Boundaries that are not respected in childhood often turn into major difficulties in adulthood. Many adults who struggle to say “no” grew up in environments where their discomfort was minimized or ignored.
By contrast, a child who is allowed to set boundaries becomes an adult with higher self-esteem, capable of identifying situations that cause harm and of building healthier, more respectful relationships.
Validating does not mean eliminating affection, but rather offering alternatives. A wave, a smile, or a simple “hello” are also valid ways to connect.
By respecting children’s decisions about their own bodies, we teach them that respect is the foundation of affection and that saying “no” does not make them less loving. Supporting their emotions today helps shape more confident adults tomorrow, adults who say “yes” only when they truly feel it and who approach their relationships with respect.
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