Psychologists reveal the four behaviors that could lead to divorce: Here’s how to recognize the red flags in your marriage

Marriages break down for a variety of reasons but certain behaviors can foster resentment and over time, leave your relationship beyond repair.

Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute, have outlined four specific communication patterns which could harm your relationship, and ultimately destroy it. Marriage experts have ominously named them “The Four Horsemen of Divorce”. They are, in alphabetical order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

All relationships go through ups and downs, disagreements, accusations and resentment is inevitable - as are the four behaviors listed above. It’s a good idea to look out for the signs when they appear.

Criticism

We can all be critical of our partners but it becomes dangerous when it starts getting personal, or viewed by the person on the receiving end as though their personality or character is flawed. If you imply that there is something wrong with your partner, and do so in a way to make sure you win win the argument, you are doing more harm than good.

Avoid personal attacks (“You’re the type of person who always…”; “You always…” or “You never…”) as they only make the other person feel like a disappointment, and makes it more about who they are rather than what they’ve done.

Instead, try to resolve the issue in a positive way by focusing on how it made you feel eg. “When this happened, it made me feel...”

Contempt

Showing contempt, acting as though you are superior to your partner, or as though they annoy you, with any type of behavior, verbal or nonverbal, is extremely toxic and damaging.

This includes mocking your partner (you might think you’re being funny - you’re not), name-calling, insensitive joking, hurtful sarcasm or any other kind of putdown.

Gottman believes that contempt is the strongest sign that you are heading for the divorce courts. It conveys a complete disrespect of the partner. It’s emotional abuse and can also take its toll on the health of the victim.

Defensiveness

This is essentially a learned behavior which some people use to protect themselves when tensions rise, usually in arguments, when faced with criticism or an explanation where one party feels aggrieved about something.

It can manifest itself in two different forms: “playing the innocent victim” in which one side tries to make out they have been wrongfully accused.

Then there is what Gottman terms the “righteous indignation stance”. This is fighting criticism with criticism of the other person. It’s avoiding accountability, deflecting onto the other person and not addressing the real issue.

Stonewalling

The final horseman is stonewalling. This is where one half of the relationship withdraws from all engagement with the other half. It is usually a result of one or a combination of the other three horsemen - contempt bring the most frequent.

Frosty silences where one party actively ignores or stops listening to the other to make their feelings clear. The main problem with stonewalling is that it’s a death spiral - once you start, it’s very difficult to rekindle engagement with the other person and form a reconnection The affected person will feel abandoned and invisible.

If you find yourself mentally shutting down in a heated moment, make it clear that you need a little time to calm your body and nervous system before returning to the discussion.

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