Sonia Díaz Rois, anger management expert: “The key is not to avoid getting angry”

Christmas is that time of year when everything feels amplified: the desire to feel good, expectations, family dynamics, and also the emotions we have managed to keep in check for months. Between endless gatherings, accumulated fatigue, and the sense that “we have to get along because it’s the holidays,” anger, an emotion as common as it is misunderstood, shows up more often than we would like.

For Sonia Díaz Rois, a mentor and coach specializing in anger management and author of ‘Y si me enfado, ¿qué?’ (So What If I Get Angry?), the problem is not feeling angry but what we do with that anger. “Anger doesn’t come to ruin the party. Like any emotion, it comes to warn you about something,” she says.

“We ignore it, label it as a negative emotion, or let it grow until it explodes. That’s when relationships become strained,” Díaz Rois adds. “The key is not avoiding anger, but knowing what to do with it.”

According to the expert, December does not create new conflicts; it simply highlights the ones that were already there. With less rest, less personal space, and more time together than usual, reactions happen faster. That is why she suggests reviewing the seven most common mistakes we make when we are angry, especially with family, which end up harming our relationships without us realizing it.

1. Blaming others for how we feel

It is easy to say things like “You’re getting on my nerves” or “You made me angry,” especially when we are tense. But there is a catch: the other person may trigger something, yes, but what happens inside us is our responsibility.

When we believe someone else “causes” our emotions, we lose room to change and act. The moment we recognize that we are responsible for our reaction, we regain the power to manage it more calmly.

2. Generalizing and exaggerating

Anger is not a reliable narrator. It exaggerates to get attention: “You always do this,” “You never notice,” “Everyone ignores me.”

The problem is that these exaggerations pull us away from what really matters and make the other person stop listening. Spotting these absolutes does not mean minimizing ourselves; it means returning to the core of what we actually need to express.

3. Staying stuck in complaint mode

Complaining can be useful because it points out something you dislike, but it is also very comfortable because it lets you say “I don’t like this” without taking action.

It is an “emotional rocking chair” that allows us to vent without changing anything. Complaints point to the problem; action transforms it.

Clarity comes when we ask ourselves what we need and what small step we can take to address it.

4. Accusing instead of asking

“You never…” “Here you go again…” These phrases shut down the conversation before it even begins because they put the other person on the defensive.

When we explain how we feel and what we need, we move from criticism to clarity. A request opens the door to dialogue. An accusation is like slamming the door shut.

5. Believing you are 100 percent right

When we are angry, our perspective narrows. Our version feels like the only possible one, and from that place, listening becomes almost impossible.

Flexibility does not mean giving up what we think or feel. It means opening the perspective just a little to see that there may be other interpretations and points of view. That small shift lowers the intensity of the conflict and restores clarity and the ability to listen. It also allows us to understand what the other person thinks and feels and to learn through curiosity.

6. Thinking only one person has the right to be angry

This is one of the main sources of anger and resentment, often without us noticing it.

What I feel is legitimate; what the other person feels is “not that big of a deal.”

But if you have the right to be angry, so does the other person. Simply acknowledging that makes the conversation fairer and more human.

7. Believing there is no way back after an argument

Some bouts of anger pass quickly, while others linger like a thorn. Nothing wears down a relationship more than getting angry about the same thing over and over again.

These are the conflicts that return because they are never talked through or resolved.

The solution is to resume the conversation once calm has returned: explain how you experienced it, listen to the other person, and agree on what to do if it happens again. This kind of closure, simple but uncommon, trains the brain to resolve instead of accumulate.

A realistic intention

For Díaz Rois, improving relationships is not about being flawless or avoiding conflict, because we are going to get angry, that is guaranteed. It is about something much more realistic: understanding what is happening inside us before reacting.

“The problem is not getting angry. The problem is not knowing what to do with that anger,” she says. “When you learn to listen to it, you have more space for yourself and for the other person.”

According to Díaz Rois, these holidays do not need perfect conversations. They need people who are a little more aware. This is a skill that can be practiced and can transform not only an after-dinner conversation, but the way we relate to each other all year long.

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