Straight out of ‘Animal House’: The cringe Ohio State University commencement speech that failed miserably
Chris Pan’s unconventional graduation speech featured breathing exercises, off-key singing, a magic trick, and a heavily booed bitcoin endorsement.
With university students across the United States reaching the end of the spring semester, commencement speeches are beginning to pop up online, as is the modern way. Designed to inspire and motivate graduates as they transition to the next phase of their lives, the majority serve that exact purpose. Unfortunately, for every Admiral William H. McRaven, there’s occasionally a Chris Pan.
The poor graduates of Ohio State University, Pan’s alma mater, were given a fair warning about what to expect from their commencement speaker, a social entrepreneur, investor, musician, and keynote facilitator, according to his LinkedIn profile.
Ahead of his appearance at OSU in 2024, Pan posted the following on the employment-oriented social network: “Got some help from AI (Ayahuasca Intelligence) this week to write my commencement speech for 60,000 grads and family members at Ohio State University next Sunday. Tried ChatGPT but wasn’t that good.”
In case you’re not aware, ayahuasca is a potent psychoactive tea that alters states of consciousness. It typically results in vivid visual hallucinations, deep emotional introspection, and a profound sense of interconnectedness.
The result was pretty much what you might expect, with attendees left wondering what exactly they had just been subjected to.
From singalongs to Navy SEAL breathing exercises
After a brief, relatively normal introduction, things quickly became unorthodox as Pan encouraged those present to stand up, if possible, before leading an off-key singalong to “What’s Up?”, the 1993 4 Non Blondes hit. That immediately transitioned into box breathing, a Navy SEALs exercise designed “to remain calm and think clearly in stressful situations.”
Plenty joined in, while others looked at each other in bemusement.
And that wasn’t the only musical number in his 17-minute speech, with a rendition of the gospel song “This Little Light of Mine” following shortly afterward.
In between, Pan warned graduates of the financial challenges they could be about to face in the real world, referencing an NBC News article about saving money to buy a house. “Your dollar goes half as far as it did at the end of 2020, data shows.”
Luckily, he also presented a “solution”: bitcoin.
Bitcoin pitch met with boos from the crowd
“So I know this might feel polarizing, but I encourage you to keep an open mind right now,” Pan ominously began. “I see bitcoin as a very misunderstood asset class.”
His pitching of cryptocurrency did not go down well, with groans and boos ringing out from the crowd. However, it didn’t prevent him from performing a magic trick, in which he enlisted the help of OSU President Walter E. Carter Jr. to turn a quarter into bitcoin inside a little black bag.
Pan later offered free bracelets to everyone in attendance “as an apology for listening to me talk about bitcoin.”
“I was there, probably the worst second-hand embarrassment I’ve ever felt,” wrote one user on Reddit, summing up the general consensus. “When he brought up Bitcoin you could hear the student section all groan before they started booing, which was somehow even worse.”
“Everyone around me was booing him, I felt kinda bad but it was a bad speech too,” responded another. “Also, this was my first real graduation and we get HIM??”
Commencement speeches are certainly intended to make an impact, so Pan achieved his goal on that count. But the OSU graduate will likely be remembered for all the wrong reasons.
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