These typical parent remarks are secretly passive-aggressive, say psychologists

Recognizing passive-aggressive comments from parents, other family members, and friends can be incredibly helpful in resolving conflicts that such remarks may be trying to mask.

Passive-aggressive remarks are often subtle, indirect expressions of hostility or frustration. Identifying them early can prevent misunderstandings from escalating.

What is a passive-aggressive communication style?

A guide from Princeton University describes the passive-aggressive style as “appearing passive on the surface, but subtly acting out anger.” People who use this style might rely on “sarcasm and indirect communication” to deflect or avoid a conversation altogether. For the recipient, it can feel like they’re speaking with someone who isn’t considering their “rights, needs, or feelings.”

What are some examples of this communication style?

Recently, Parade spoke with licensed psychologist Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., about examples of passive-aggressive behavior that can serve as helpful cues to understand your relationships better. These examples can help individuals open up healthier channels of communication with people—such as family members or friends—who might be tossing passive-aggressive comments their way. Understanding the context and tone behind these remarks can empower you to address underlying issues more effectively and promote more honest, respectful dialogue.

So, let’s take a look at some of the examples brought up by Dr. McGeehan and other experts.

One of the most obvious examples of passive-aggressive language Dr. McGeehan mentioned was: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

“All of these phrases give me the ick, but this one is the worst,” she said during her interview. For Dr. McGeehan, this kind of language isn’t just passive—it’s manipulative. It reflects a view of love that is conditional. Parents and others in your life shouldn’t need to use manipulative language to get you to do something for them.

If you’re willing and able, great. But if you’re uncomfortable for any reason, it’s important to draw a boundary or call attention to how that language makes you feel. You can affirm that your love for them isn’t conditional—and that you hope they don’t view your relationship that way either.

Other examples put forward by Dr. McGeehan included:

These types of comments often aim to cover up other feelings or ignore your own.

For example, when someone says, “I guess I’ll just do it myself,” it can make you feel guilty for not completing a task, even if you’re overwhelmed or unable to manage it at the moment.

The third example, which isn’t specified here but presumably involves dismissing your emotions, ignores the underlying reasons why you might not be in a good mood, such as stress, fatigue, or personal struggles.

There are always situations where your parents or others might use these phrases sincerely, perhaps out of concern or habit. However, these comments can sometimes lead to miscommunication or misunderstandings, especially if they are delivered passive-aggressively or without regard for your feelings. Recognizing these patterns is a helpful first step toward improving communication. When you identify passive-aggressive language or unintentionally hurtful comments, you can respond in a way that clarifies your feelings and encourages a more honest and respectful dialogue.

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