Xavier Guix, psychologist: “Being very good doesn’t make people love you more, it makes them use you more”

Being kind, empathetic, and generous is praised across cultures—but taking these traits to the extreme can become an emotional trap. Many people who describe themselves as “too nice” face a painful contradiction: they want to help, please, and avoid conflict, yet often end up exhausted, frustrated, and sometimes exploited by those around them.

Psychologist Xavier Guix, author of ‘The Problem with Being Too Nice’, explains that this pattern stems from deep emotional needs, such as seeking approval, fearing rejection, or finding value through serving others.

One of the key reasons overly nice people are vulnerable to exploitation is their struggle to establish healthy boundaries. Guix says, “When people say, ‘They’re taking advantage of me, I’m just too nice,’ it means they haven’t been able to be themselves. When you reach that point, it’s not a terminal situation, but an opportunity to learn, regardless of age. The important thing is to realize that by being so nice, you haven’t lived the life you wanted.”

The importance of being good to yourself

“Being good to yourself is, above all, about validating yourself, respecting yourself, and knowing how to define yourself,” Guix explains. “A person who trusts what they know, what they believe, how they feel, and, above all, what defines them (what they want, what they desire, and what they don’t desire), is unintentionally setting boundaries for others… If I don’t know how to respect myself, I might not know how to express my own boundaries.”

Duty vs. desire

Guix believes part of the challenge comes from an intense sense of duty. “The problem with overly good people is that they have such a strong sense of duty that they experience everything from a place of duty. They have built their life and purpose on the performance of duty, but that duty does not come from within, but from an external obligation.”

“These individuals haven’t managed to connect with themselves to define what they want, limiting themselves to fulfilling their duty,” he adds. “In my book, I say: ‘Being very good doesn’t make them love you more, it just makes them use you more.’ When one realizes, in old age or before, that they have spent their life doing what others wanted, a certain bitterness about life sets in.”

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