Andrea Wachter, psychotherapist, on choosing a lifelong partner: “Everyone has different needs, values, and circumstances”

Choosing a lifelong partner is one of the most consequential decisions most people will ever make, yet it is rarely something we are formally taught how to do. According to licensed psychotherapist Andrea Wachter, attraction and love are often mistaken for a complete strategy, and that can leave many people learning the ropes through repetition, disappointment, and, effectively, trial and error.

Writing in Psychology Today, Wachter argues that early relationship templates – especially those observed in childhood – shape adult choices. For some, those models are healthy and supportive. For others, they can hide certain patterns that are emotionally unsatisfying or unstable.

Wachter traces a turning point in her own dating life to a deceptively simple framework shared by Juli Vinik, who believed that long-term partnerships only work when four essential criteria are met. Partial alignment, Vinik insisted, is not enough.

What are the four pillars of stable relationships?

The first criterion is liking or loving how you are treated. Kindness, respect, and emotionally mature communication are non-negotiable, particularly when conflict arises. The second is respect in the other direction: genuine admiration for who your partner is, how they live, and the values they hold.

Third comes compatibility, rated on a scale from zero to ten. You do not need identical interests, but a score of five or higher suggests enough overlap in goals, priorities, and lifestyle to build something sustainable. The fourth criterion is chemistry, also rated from zero to ten. While constant fireworks are unrealistic, mutual attraction and emotional energy need to clear a basic threshold to endure over time.

Is it best to wait for Mr/Miss ‘Right for me’?

Wachter is pretty candid about how difficult it can be to wait for all four elements, especially amid cultural pressure, age-related anxiety, and well-meaning advice to compromise. She describes dating people who met two or even three criteria, and the self-doubt that followed when she chose not to settle. In hindsight, she says, patience paid off. She eventually met a partner who checked every box, and they have been happily married for many years.

It’s fair to say that this guide is not a rigid rulebook, but more of a tool. Wachter emphasizes that relationships are deeply personal, and that everyone brings different needs, values, and circumstances to the table. What matters is choosing intentionally rather than drifting into long-term commitment by default. Or even worse, being pressured into it.

Hopefully this can help people slow down their decision making allowing them to recognize when something is genuinely right. Just being familiar may not be worth settling for.

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