Anna Vicen, couples coach: “When your partner looks at a screen instead of you in bed... it’s like an unconscious message”

The figure is sobering – for individuals and for couples alike. In 60% of Spanish bedrooms, the last light switched off each night is not a bedside lamp, but a cellphone. The number, revealed by the Intimacy and Screens study backed by Pikolin, is just the visible tip of a quieter reality: screens have become the permanent third presence in the beds of thousands of couples across Spain.

To understand how this habit erodes intimacy emotionally, physically and psychologically, we spoke with Anna Vicen Renner, a couples therapy coach and spokesperson for the study. Her assessment is direct: “Intimacy doesn’t disappear overnight; it wears down when we stop being present.”

The last refuge of intimacy – now invaded?

Vicen captures the discomfort in a single sentence: “We’re normalizing the idea that each person retreats into their screen at the very moment of the day that should be shared.” The research supports her view: seven in 10 couples use screens in bed, and nearly half scroll through their phones with their partner beside them without exchanging a word. For 46%, that gesture has a direct emotional impact – they feel invisible.

“When your partner looks at a screen instead of looking at you in a space as intimate as the bed,” Vicen explains, “your brain interprets it as a micro-rejection. It’s like an unconscious message: ‘What’s in there is more interesting than you.’” Repeated night after night, she adds, “that micro-rejection erodes personal self-esteem, but also the self-esteem of the couple.”

Warning signs we no longer recognize

Couples often arrive in therapy without realizing the phone is part of the problem, Vicen says. Asked what red flags should set off alarms, she doesn’t hesitate.

• Ignoring physical presence: “Your partner speaks to you and you respond without lifting your eyes from the phone.”
• Ending the day with a screen rather than with the person beside you.
• Using the phone as emotional escape: “To calm yourself, entertain yourself or seek attention.”

She stresses one crucial point: “We’re not here to judge. The goal is for couples to become aware.” From there, the consequences are predictable – less desire, less presence, fewer conversations. The study reveals that one in three Spaniards does not talk with their partner before going to sleep. Nearly half believe there would be more moments of intimacy or sex if phones were not in the bedroom.

For Vicen, the explanation is straightforward: “Desire needs glances, touch, words, shared breathing. If the gaze is trapped in the screen, all those pathways are blocked.” She even proposes something unexpected: “Let’s use the phone in favor of the relationship. If you see something interesting, use it to start a conversation that brings you closer. The key isn’t to demonize it, but to use it consciously.”

Younger couples most vulnerable to conflict

The report underscores that 61% of younger couples have argued over phone use in bed. The reasons, Vicen says, are almost clinical in their clarity.

• Immediacy: “They’ve grown up with instant feedback; intimacy requires slow time.”
• FOMO: “Turning off the phone feels like being left out of the group.”
• Tolerance for disconnection: “Not being available creates internal tension.”

That mix can turn the bedroom into a battleground. “Many arguments don’t arise because of the phone itself, but because of what it symbolizes – lack of attention, lack of interest, emotional distance.”

Breaking the cycle of phubbing

More and more couples seek therapy saying, “We don’t know how to communicate.” Vicen often responds with a question: “When was the last time you looked at each other before going to sleep?”

To begin changing course, she suggests three initial steps.

• Leave the phone outside the bedroom. “I know – it sounds easy, and it isn’t. Many couples don’t manage it on the first try.”
• Replace scrolling with skin. “Five minutes of caresses are worth more than a thousand likes.”
• Recover eye contact. “End the day looking at each other, not refreshing notifications.”

The 21-night challenge to reconnect

As part of the initiative, Pikolin has launched Intimario, described as the first museum of intimacy in Madrid, guided by Vicen herself. There they promote #21NochesConectados, a challenge inviting couples to spend 21 nights without phones in the bedroom. The goal is simple: to prove that reclaiming presence is possible – even if it takes effort.

“One couple who came to therapy wanted to try it for a week,” Vicen recalls. “At the next session they admitted they hadn’t managed it. That’s okay. What matters is not giving up. Intimacy is worth the effort.”

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