Can’t get your kids to listen? Psychologists recommend these foolproof phrases

If you’ve ever said the same instruction three times and gotten exactly zero shoe-wearing, you’re in good company. Psychologists say the fix isn’t more volume, it’s different wording that helps kids feel safe, seen and able to comply. The science here is straightforward enough: children listen best when directions are clear and emotions are regulated, yours and theirs.

Before we get into this, however, here’s some light, but empathetic, relief from Michael McIntyre:

Well done for watching that.

Why does listening break down?

Little brains are still wiring up attention, language processing and self-control. If we stack instructions (“shoes, backpack, brush your teeth…”) or lead with criticism, kids can tip into overload or defense mode and tune out.

Evidence-based programs teach parents to give one clear direction at a time, model calm, and praise the behavior we want, because attention is a powerful reinforcer.

The best approach for cooperation

Two pillars show up again and again in the research:

• Emotion coaching: validate feelings first so kids’ nervous systems downshift and they can absorb guidance. Long-running studies link “emotion-coaching” parenting with better self-regulation and social outcomes.
• Behavioral clarity: use specific, doable requests and reinforce compliance with labeled praise (“Thanks for putting your shoes by the door, exactly what I asked”). This combo reliably boosts following-through.

Major pediatric bodies echo the same playbook: short, concrete directions, calm tone, choices within limits, and immediate praise.

The importance of words

Before I get to the “magic phrases,” here are a few delivery tweaks that change everything:

• One step at a time: “Please put on your shoes.” (Pause. Then the next step.) Kids remember – and comply – more when tasks are chunked.
• Eye level, calm voice: In person beats yelling from the hallway. It raises compliance without raising your blood pressure.
• Labeled praise: Name the exact behavior you want to see again.

What phrases should I use to get my kids to listen?

Child psychologist Reem Raouda popularized six simple lines that calm kids’ systems and invite cooperation. Her CNBC Make It piece made headlines, so here they are:

1. “I believe you.”
Defuses shame and defensiveness so you can address the behavior. Try it after an accident (“I believe you didn’t mean to spill. Let’s clean it together.”). Validating feelings first is classic emotion coaching, and it works.

2. “Let’s figure this out together.”
Shifts from standoff to teamwork, which increases buy-in. Great for homework, chores and problem-solving.

3. “You can feel this. I’m right here.”
Tells a dysregulated brain it’s safe, step one before any logic lands. This is emotion coaching, distilled.

4. “I’m listening.”
Attention before direction melts resistance. A short listen now saves ten minutes of pushback later.

5. “I hear you.”
Signals empathy and lowers defenses, especially when paired with a clear limit: “I hear you don’t want to leave; we’re going now.”

6. “I’ve got you, no matter what.”
Reassures kids that guidance isn’t conditional love. Safety first; cooperation follows.

The one thing never to say to your kids

If “because I said so” or threats are your autopilot, Rouda suggests firm-and-kind swaps that hold the line without power struggles. For example: “I know you don’t like this decision. I’ll explain, and then we’re moving forward.” This keeps authority while validating the child.

Parenting is a challenge for everyone who goes into it... but given the incredible rewards, taking these steps can make the journey smoother.

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