Laura Polo, psychologist: “It directly influences how we relate to others”
The psychology expert has just published a book in which she teaches how to understand our past in order to change our present.
From a young age, we are told that repetition is essential: for learning at school, for building habits at home, and for improving almost any skill. However, repetition is a double-edged sword. Just as it can help us grow, it can also trap us in cycles that are hard to escape. It wears us down and hurts us, but only if we allow it. That is why having tools to break toxic patterns, or even to prevent them before they take hold, is so important.
This is precisely the focus of What Is Allowed Is Repeated, the book by psychologist Laura Polo. In it, she offers practical insights into working on our inner dialogue, cultivating self-love and caring for our relationships without falling into harmful dynamics. “We often repeat patterns that hurt us because they are familiar. Our bodies and emotions recognise them as ‘safe’, even though they are not. Familiarity creates predictability: we know what to expect and what role to play, even if it hurts. Our bodies prefer the familiar to the uncertain, even when the familiar harms us. Breaking a pattern is not just a rational decision; it involves teaching the body that the new can also be safe, tolerating discomfort and maintaining different boundaries. That is why understanding the pattern is only the first step. Changing it requires time and practice,” the expert explains in a conversation with AS.
At first glance, the book’s title may suggest that avoiding repetition is purely a matter of personal responsibility. Polo addresses this concern directly: “To work with this idea without falling into guilt or self-criticism, the key is to shift the focus from judgement to conscious observation. It is not about punishing ourselves for what we have allowed in the past, but about identifying patterns, boundaries and needs in a neutral way. We can start by asking ourselves what is within our control and what is not, recognising that we cannot change others, only how we position ourselves in relation to them. Setting clear boundaries and gradually maintaining them allows us to exercise personal responsibility in a healthy way, without demanding perfection or forcing abrupt change.”
For Polo, the way we form bonds and boundaries has its roots in childhood. “Attachment, which is the type of bond we had with our caregivers during childhood, plays a key role in the toxic cycles we sometimes repeat in adulthood. In our early years, we learn about safety, boundaries and relationships through those first connections, as well as through early experiences with peers such as siblings, friends or playmates. If attachment was insecure, or if interactions with peers reinforced dynamics of tension or rejection, we learn patterns that are later repeated: tolerating harmful behaviours, prioritising others over ourselves or constantly anticipating rejection. These patterns feel familiar and ‘safe’ to the body, even though they hurt us. Understanding how our attachment and early social experiences were formed allows us to interrupt these cycles, set healthier boundaries and choose relationships that respect our needs, instead of repeating what has already harmed us,” explains the psychologist.
She also stresses the importance of speaking to ourselves with respect in order to improve these dynamics. “Our internal dialogue directly influences how we relate to others, because what we tell ourselves shapes what we are willing to tolerate and how we respond to boundaries. If our inner voice is dominated by guilt or self-criticism, we may delay setting boundaries or accept harmful behaviours because we feel we do not have the right to take care of ourselves. In contrast, a conscious and compassionate inner dialogue helps us recognise what hurts us, validate our emotions and act according to our needs, even when that means saying ‘no’ or distancing ourselves from situations that affect us. Learning to listen to ourselves and speak to ourselves with respect is essential for building healthier relationships based on clear boundaries and mutual respect.”
Even so, understanding the theory does not always translate into practice. “These are known as diffuse or absent boundaries. In such cases, a person gives in quickly when pressured, even if the situation is uncomfortable or harmful. This often stems from fear of rejection, conflict or guilt, but also from other factors such as insecurity about one’s own needs or desires, low self-esteem, patterns learned in childhood where expressing needs was discouraged, or the belief that caring for others should always come before caring for oneself. Maintaining boundaries requires knowing and validating our own needs, accepting that saying ‘no’ is not selfish, and practising firmness gradually. It is not about being rigid, but about respecting ourselves while relating to others, even under social or emotional pressure.”
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“Change is possible,” Polo concludes, “because the patterns we repeat are not fixed traits, but learned behaviours that our body and mind recognise as familiar. By becoming aware of them, understanding the emotions and needs that sustain them, and practising new ways of acting, we can transform those habits. Over time and with consistency, we can create new ways of living and relating to others.”
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