Rachna Buxani, author, on narcissistic hoovering: “Because narcissism is a lot about relationship control”

When you realize that the relationship that you are in just isn’t working out, or worse, causing you harm, the sanest thing to do is put distance between yourself and the other person. However, if the other person is a narcissist, you may find that they don’t want to let you go. Or if they have, out of the blue they want to get back together again.

Suddenly they become a new person who has seen the errors of their ways. Or you are unexpectedly extremely necessary in their lives. Or failing soft tactics, they turn to more devious or sinister methods of getting you back.

These efforts though are not made out of a true desire to rebuilt the relationship on a better footing, it is what is known as ‘narcissistic hoovering’. Just like the machine you use to clean the floor, they are trying to suck you back into their orbit to bolster their own ego.

Don’t get sucked back in by narcissistic hoovering

While narcissists may present themselves as superior to others, in most cases this is just a veneer to keep their insecurities hidden out of sight. Research has found that narcissism can be used as either an armor or a weapon.

The reason why people with this personality type try to suck people back in, according to Rachna Buxani, a licensed mental health counselor and author of Unseen: A Therapist’s Reflection on a Daughter’s Journey Through a Narcissistic Father’s Shadow, is “because narcissism is a lot about relationship control.”

Their hoovering, she told the HuffPost, is also a way for them to fulfil their need for “narcissistic supply,” with “any kind of attention,” whether it be good or bad. Getting a complement or a justification that the deterioration of the relationship wasn’t solely their fault to hostile conversations. Just getting you to dedicate your time to them can be enough to get their fix and feel that “they matter.”

What should you watch out for: signs of narcissistic hoovering

Narcissists employ a range of manipulative tactics when trying to keep someone from leaving them or suck someone back in after they’ve left. The drive to hoover will be stronger if they are getting something beneficial out of the relationship or you are doing well without them.

There are softer-sided tactics to win over your heart and emotions. This can include “love bombing,” showering you with affections, complements and gifts. Then there is apologizing for past behavior, but as one Reddit user explained they are typically not specific about what they are apologizing for. Or they’ll make all types of false promises like turning over a new leaf in life.

More devious tactics involve using guilt trips, like needing your help or claiming that they cannot live without you. They may use manipulation, asking you to lend them money to lock you into the relationship. Or more cruelly, trying to crush your self-esteem by telling you that no one else wants you.

They may also try to get a third party involved either to convey messages and convince you to talk to them, or to play that person against you. Then there are the more sinister tactics like using threats and stalking.

While every narcissistic hoovering attempt will be different, one common warning sign is that they are incessant about talking to you, and doing so face-to-face which is a format where you are more prone to emotional manipulation.

It’s recommended to set up clear boundaries when dealing with narcissistic hoovering. Buxani also advises to share minimal information with the narcissist you’ve removed from your life.

“If they know that you’re doing well, that’s when they’re going to come back,” she warned.

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