“When we contradict someone, most of the time it’s not because of what they say but because of the tone they use”

We like to think we’re rational beings, right? That we argue based on logic. But as Friedrich Nietzsche – you can read all about him here later – once pointed out, we often reject what someone says not because we disagree – but because of how they say it. That quote has resurfaced in an insightful piece by Italy’s SFP Versilia, and has got me thinking about my own relationships.

I’ve found myself irritated mid-conversation not by the content, but by a condescending tone or smug delivery. It feels almost primal, with the tone hitting me faster and harder than the point being made.

What causes arguments?

The problem, Spanish philosopher José Carlos Ruiz argues, is that we’ve forgotten how to truly talk. In his book: Una mujer educada, he says, “People don’t want to converse. They want to convince.” That’s not conversation. That’s sales.

Here is the author discussing his book, although you’ll need some Spanish – or a clever translation device – to take it in.

What does real conversation look like?

According to American philosopher Agnes Callard, also interviewed for the article, it starts with a genuine desire to listen and to be heard. And back in 1875, British etiquette writer Cecil B. Hartley laid out some ground rules still worth following. In summary these are:

1. Don’t expect universal agreement

Even if you think someone is wrong, change the subject politely instead of pressing your point.

2. Listen until the end

Never interrupt or guess what someone will say – just wait and actually listen.

3. Stay present

No distractions. Don’t check your phone (or in Hartley’s time, your watch or a letter) while someone’s speaking.

4. Be modest

Avoid boasting about your intelligence, possessions, or achievements. Arrogance kills conversation.

5. Show, don’t tell

Let your character speak through actions, not self-praise.

6. Keep it brief

Say what you need with economy. Long-windedness is not impressive.

7. Avoid criticism and comparisons

If what you say only harms or diminishes others, don’t say it.

8. Don’t correct people

Unless it’s a teacher-student dynamic, hold back from pointing out others’ mistakes.

9. No unsolicited advice

Most people just want to be heard. Wait to be asked before offering your opinion.

10. Praise sparingly and sincerely

Honest compliments are welcome; excessive flattery feels manipulative.

There’s a line in the article that I think many people would do well to heed: ‘If 80% of your conversations turn into arguments, maybe it’s time to look at how you’re having them.’ The fix isn’t what we say. It’s how we say it. And how well we listen in return.

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