Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist, “Parents are not prepared for the real sense of loss when kids separate in adolescence”

When raising a child, the teenage years can be some of the most challenging. It’s a time when they are going through puberty and beginning to explore the world on their own terms. They often give the impression, generally overtly, that they don’t need their parents anymore.

This pulling away can be painful for parents and something they struggle with the most. “I don’t think we prepare parents enough for the true sense of loss they feel when their kids are adolescents,” says Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside.

Your teenager may be pulling away, but they still need you

Many of the problems parents face when their child hits adolescence, she feels, comes down to a tradition of behavioral control in American parenting styles. “A teen’s job is to separate and form their own identity,” Kennedy told Andrew Huberman on his podcast.

However, if parents aren’t expecting this natural pulling away during adolescence she says it can often end up being infused into a lot of anger toward their child. Kennedy says that is “totally normal” and something that should be talked about more.

Another thing that parents have to keep in mind is that during their teenagers self-discovery, they will often overcompensate to find out who they want to be. But the distance they are pulling away from their parents “is not their final point,” she points out.

Kennedy also wants parents to know that they typically “massively underestimate how much they still need us there, making efforts to connect… The difference between an explorer and a nomad is whether or not you have a home base,” adding, “they need to know they have a home.”

“When your kids are teens, connection is the only thing that matters,” Kennedy says. “If you’re not connected to your teen, every single transition and moment of a curfew or a homework or their phone, everything is going to be a battlefield.”

It’s important that you get to the core issue that is causing friction, which is “probably your kid feeling understood and seen by you.” Kennedy advises to find a balance between validating what’s happening to them while still setting clear boundaries, “cause you’re the authority.” And no matter the difficulty, even when you feel like a punching bag, to stay connected when you disagree about things.

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