Dalai Lama, on parenting, “Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay”

I’ve heard or seen the quote a number of time, usually framed over soft music or printed on something designed to calm you or inspire you. “Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.” It is, as you may have already known, commonly attributed to the Dalai Lama, and on the surface, it feels complete and balanced.

Then I look at my daughters.

They are still small enough to reach for my hand without thinking and can hardly imagine a future apart. They’re still young enough to believe I know where almost everything is, including all the answers. They’ll learn how far from the truth that is! But it’s here that the quote begins to unravel for me, not as an idea, but in terms of lived practicalities.

Parents: letting go and holding on

‘Wings’ is the easy part of the quote to admire. Every parent likes the sound of raising someone brave, curious, unafraid to step beyond the edge of what is known. “She’ll be confident and independent thanks to our efforts,” I may say to my wife, often with a hopeful undercurrent.

But I quickly remember wings are not just decorative, despite the constantly improving drawings that appear in our house. They are functional. If they work as intended, they actively take your child away from you.

That is where the second element, ‘roots,’ comes in. Roots suggest return. They imply that no matter how far someone goes, there is a pull back to where they started. A kind of invisible elastic cord with the inevitable result once stretched. Not necessarily by choice.

And then there is the final piece: ‘reasons to stay.’ At first it sounds generous, even loving. But it carries a question that is harder to ignore the longer you sit with it. If someone needs reasons to stay, are you truly letting them go?

Love without expectation

As a father, I’ve noticed how easily care slips into design. Obviously you want to build the right environment, create the right memories, say the right things, be the right role model. But this isn’t – or shouldn’t – be so that one day they will come back. It should be because those ‘wings’ open up the world for them, with new opportunities and experiences always ahead. Of course, they can choose to come back, whether for Sunday lunch, a shared holiday or a particular celebration. But it’s their choice to return, nothing is actively pulling them in.

That desire is not something you can engineer. I’ve seen it tried and relationships grow forced, sometimes bitter, not free.

The general teachings often associated with the Dalai Lama return again and again to the idea of non-attachment, a love that does not depend on outcome. And, I’d argue, that doesn’t sit so well against this quote’s quiet hope of return. If you truly accept that someone is free, you also accept that they might not come back. Not as often as you’d like. Not in the way you imagine. And that can be a tough ask.

What remains when you let them go

So, as I wrestle with the quote (quite possibly more than I need to), I find myself adjusting it slightly, not in words but in my own expectations from it.

Maybe this love is not about giving ‘wings’ and hoping ‘roots’ will do their job as suggested. Maybe instead it is about accepting that the flight is the point, not the return. That whatever ‘reasons to stay’ exist should never feel like a weight.

My daughters will grow up. They will leave rooms, then houses, maybe cities and countries. After all, I did. But if we have done anything well as parents, it will not be measured by how often they come back, but by how freely they are able to go.

And if they do return, hopefully often, it will not be because something held them.

It will be because nothing did.

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