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The ‘hidden’ mistake during your divorce that is silently impacting your kids and causing them to lose themselves

How one overlooked parenting decision during divorce creates emotional conflict for kids, leaving lasting effects on their sense of self.

How one overlooked parenting decision during divorce creates emotional conflict for kids, leaving lasting effects on their sense of self.

Divorce is rarely just a split between two partners. For children, it’s a seismic shift that can leave emotional aftershocks lasting years. While custody battles, co-parenting strategies, and court-mandated mediations often take center stage, one critical factor frequently goes unnoticed: how cognitive dissonance – a conflict between what kids feel and what they’re told to believe – can derail their emotional development.

This isn’t a concept born out of thin air. A recent study titled Children and divorce: A rapid review targeting cognitive dissonance, in the context of narrative therapy by Christopher Lie Ken Jie, Joanne Jessen Yramategui, and Richard Huang dives into how children, aged three to 12, navigate the psychological maze of parental separation. The findings reveal that while many kids learn to adapt, those caught in loyalty conflicts between parents often lose a clear sense of themselves.

Let’s look at what the study tells us...

Divorce isn’t the trauma – it’s the aftermath

Contrary to popular belief, divorce itself isn’t inherently damaging to children. Instead, it’s the conflicts that linger – parents badmouthing each other, demanding allegiance, or relying on children for emotional support – that wreak havoc. These scenarios force kids into uncomfortable positions where their feelings and actions contradict each other.

For example, a child may feel love and admiration for both parents but be pressured to choose sides. Or, they may be drawn into adult disputes, becoming messengers or mediators. According to the study, these dynamics create cognitive dissonance, a psychological discomfort caused by holding conflicting beliefs or values. Over time, this unresolved tension can erode a child’s sense of identity and security.

Familia mudanza
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Children in the middleFreepik

The silent burden of loyalty conflicts

The authors identify loyalty conflicts as a major trigger for cognitive dissonance in children of divorce. When parents “fight for equality” or demand that the child pick a side, the child becomes the battleground. One parent may position themselves as the ally, painting the other as an oppressor. The child, caught in the middle, often feels like an object being fought over rather than a person with their own needs and emotions.

This burden leaves children grappling with guilt, self-blame, and a sense of obligation to “fix” their family. Some kids cope by shutting down emotionally, avoiding confrontation, or dissociating from one parent altogether. But these strategies come at a cost: a fractured self-image and a lingering sense of responsibility for their parents’ failures.

Narrative therapy: A way forward

The study highlights narrative therapy as a promising tool for helping children process the emotional fallout of divorce. By encouraging kids to tell their stories and see their struggles as separate from themselves, therapists can help reduce self-blame and reshape how children perceive their parents' conflicts. This approach empowers children to focus on their own well-being rather than feeling caught in the middle.

Mother and children.
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Mother and children.mixettoGetty Images

Why this matters now

Although divorce rates have dipped slightly, millions of children still face the fallout each year. With courts emphasizing shared custody and the child’s voice, kids may feel even more pressure to mediate parental disputes. Ignoring these hidden tensions risks long-term emotional harm, underscoring the need for emotional support over adversarial approaches.

What you can do differently

If you’re navigating a divorce, the study argues that the solution isn’t as simple as being “amicable.” The key is to recognize how your actions – however well-intentioned – might be putting your child in an untenable position. Avoid badmouthing your ex in front of your kids. Resist the urge to involve them in adult disputes. And most importantly, listen to their feelings without imposing your own narrative on their experiences.

Working with a mediator or therapist who understands the dynamics of cognitive dissonance can make a world of difference. According to the study, children thrive when they feel emotionally safe and supported, free from the burden of choosing sides. This isn’t just about avoiding harm – it’s about giving your child the tools to grow into a healthy, self-assured adult.

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